I've sold myself short for a long time. Sometimes we tell and sell ourselves and other people stories that aren't accurate because we fear success and happiness. I have been doing this under the guise of my Mother's voice for a long time.
Today I saw a woman who believes that EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) will help me get "unstuck" from all the shameful and detrimental cognizances I have taken on over the years. Supposedly something about stimulating bilateral movement will help reprocess painful memories so that they are not so debilitating in the future. Sounds good to me! After beginning a 12 step recovery group I found myself still feeling ashamed and taking on the blame for having been molested as a little girl. This plagued me initially because I have been in an out of various types of therapy for going on 19 years and thought, "GET OVER IT,ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!" So I went to The Healing Center, a free place for sexual abuse/assault survivors, and Tricia(my therapist) tells me I am "stuck". YES! All the intelligent and rational thought processes and years of therapy and study as a psych student have me more than convinced it wasn't my fault....but still such shame looms over what happened. Thoughts such as....because I stayed awake-- I was asking for it. Oh, and I'll never forget the rage and disgust I felt at age 8 when my very first therapist asked, "Did you like it?" In my mind when she asked that she was simply validating what I already thought....that since I liked it I deserved it and it was my fault. I lied to her and said "No." Had I told her the truth maybe she would have explained it was OK to feel that way.
Anyhow....I look forward to trying out the EMDR. I almost didn't go to my appointment today. As I thought about this I wondered why it is that I always abandon appointments and commitments when I know they will benefit me. And what came to me was what I read in a book that blew my mind straight out of the top of my head, "A New Earth- Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". The author, Tolle, says that we tell ourselves these stories of what we can't do, and we continually limit ourselves in this negative self-talk that is forever going on in our overly active minds. In his view this is the ego speaking....which is NOT our true selves or consciousness. This text gripped me more than anything ever has.....and I became convinced that my "ego" or that shitty little voice that's always tearing me apart is what is holding me back. My therapist and I spoke of this today and I came to realize that my ego is afraid of me succeeding and not needing it anymore. My codependence on my tumultous and chaotic ego messages is the reason I can't seem to get unstuck. I fear happiness and success because the one voice(ego and my Mom) that has unrelentingly been there may cease to exist if I actually follow through with this recovery. Although it seems absurd that one wouldn't want to rid such abuse from their mind.....I am fearful to do it! To stay here, unhappy, in chaos, and stuck is what I am accustomed to! Who would I be without it? What changes in friends, careers, destinations, and thought patterns will ensue if I take the leap?!?! It's frightening! Yet, as my sponsor has said....it is like being beamed down into a new life in which I decide exactly what I want.
Which gets me thinking.....who do I want to be?
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