Things happen the way they do.......
Faith and spirituality and religion and philosophy and "just a way of life"....believing....without seeing....just knowing..."feeling it"
Life really amazes me and scares me and challenges me in ways that continue to blow my mind each and every day. One day at a time is not a cliche statement anymore.....for me it is my religion. When the pain consumes me and I can't imagine living my life this way I ask myself if I can do it for just today. And I know I can endure.....today. The possibility of living in pain until the day I die is not comforting....for anyone....but that is just it. We all will live this cyclical pattern of pain, love, stress, joy, bliss, fear, contentment....a life full of emotions that we don't always understand or cope well with or that we maybe don't even process until years after the event. We develop coping mechanisms...the healthy among us exercise and have wholesome and intimate relationships with friends and family. Then there are others of us who slip into destruction, abusing intoxicants, and engaging in wasteful ventures like life threatening relationships and situations. When we learn that we are OK and lovable and are even someone people like to have around, we come to treat ourselves with the delicacy owed to a fragile and innocent child. We can wrap our arms around ourselves and say, "Hey, I do love you....and I'm so sorry I have continued to ignore you." Feeding, grooming, and socializing like we ought to is no longer a chore but something we enjoy partaking in.....we can experience life like "normal" people. And the days that shine light on the pain again are days we embrace as growth..... We may sit amongst our peers and finally tear out the daggers we had left in for so long.... Then find that our courage to do so assists them in doing the same...
My life has not been ideal. As I embrace accepting this I mourn the life I had hoped for. A mother whose joy spread across her face as I brought home straight A's. A table in the kitchen, filled each night with those who created me and those who share my genes over food that is healthy and nourishing to our developing bodies. Because our parents care about the way our bodies will turn out. Parents that thought about every little detail of our future. Providers that had learned to love and protect themselves and were secure in knowing they could do the same for their offspring. A mother I can call today and cry and just say Mom, I love you so much...and it means the world to me to know that no matter what I do, you love me regardless. A Daddy that always has a sparkle in his eye for his baby girl.....even though she's grown and doesn't need him to fix everything anymore. And I cry my eyes out.....and I feel so very cheated....and I'm angry....so mad...so belligerent...that no one came through for me....that not a single soul....even as I cried out and mutilated my mind, body, and soul....and begged for attention...in the worst of places....not a single person saved me. Not one.
But......have I been saved.....? I'm here today. I survived. Pain pulses through me and I want it to end....I just can't imagine how deep the well goes... Yet each day I make it. Something , I don't know what, keeps me going! Of all the times I came so so so so very close to the end....and it didn't end. That is a miracle...... And I have begged and I have pleaded with God. Maybe, just maybe.... Because I am at the point where my fellowship with other people who have endured similar tragedy is all that gives me faith. And for some reason....as I seek truth and beauty and sharing with my fellows....my life seems to finally be falling into place. When I am down on my knees, in shame and guilt and giving up and saying "I'm done! I give up!" that is when I begin to see little miracles happening all around me. And it scares me more than anything because there is nothing that frightens me more than to think I'm OK. That I'm worthwhile.... That people love me. That people find me beautiful and amazing and they have great things to say about me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It breaks the pain up and it makes it more tolerable. And I'm starting to believe that if these people can accept me....then maybe I can!
This program of recovery I'm working is miraculous to me. My emotions are coming and although initially terrifying....I feel the courage to feel them fully and completely without drowning them out with addictive behaviors. I've never been more terrified while simultaneously having so much hope!
One day at a time.
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