Telling Stories

I've sold myself short for a long time. Sometimes we tell and sell ourselves and other people stories that aren't accurate because we fear success and happiness. I have been doing this under the guise of my Mother's voice for a long time.

Today I saw a woman who believes that EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) will help me get "unstuck" from all the shameful and detrimental cognizances I have taken on over the years. Supposedly something about stimulating bilateral movement will help reprocess painful memories so that they are not so debilitating in the future. Sounds good to me! After beginning a 12 step recovery group I found myself still feeling ashamed and taking on the blame for having been molested as a little girl. This plagued me initially because I have been in an out of various types of therapy for going on 19 years and thought, "GET OVER IT,ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!" So I went to The Healing Center, a free place for sexual abuse/assault survivors, and Tricia(my therapist) tells me I am "stuck". YES! All the intelligent and rational thought processes and years of therapy and study as a psych student have me more than convinced it wasn't my fault....but still such shame looms over what happened. Thoughts such as....because I stayed awake-- I was asking for it. Oh, and I'll never forget the rage and disgust I felt at age 8 when my very first therapist asked, "Did you like it?" In my mind when she asked that she was simply validating what I already thought....that since I liked it I deserved it and it was my fault. I lied to her and said "No." Had I told her the truth maybe she would have explained it was OK to feel that way.

Anyhow....I look forward to trying out the EMDR. I almost didn't go to my appointment today. As I thought about this I wondered why it is that I always abandon appointments and commitments when I know they will benefit me. And what came to me was what I read in a book that blew my mind straight out of the top of my head, "A New Earth- Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". The author, Tolle, says that we tell ourselves these stories of what we can't do, and we continually limit ourselves in this negative self-talk that is forever going on in our overly active minds. In his view this is the ego speaking....which is NOT our true selves or consciousness. This text gripped me more than anything ever has.....and I became convinced that my "ego" or that shitty little voice that's always tearing me apart is what is holding me back. My therapist and I spoke of this today and I came to realize that my ego is afraid of me succeeding and not needing it anymore. My codependence on my tumultous and chaotic ego messages is the reason I can't seem to get unstuck. I fear happiness and success because the one voice(ego and my Mom) that has unrelentingly been there may cease to exist if I actually follow through with this recovery. Although it seems absurd that one wouldn't want to rid such abuse from their mind.....I am fearful to do it! To stay here, unhappy, in chaos, and stuck is what I am accustomed to! Who would I be without it? What changes in friends, careers, destinations, and thought patterns will ensue if I take the leap?!?! It's frightening! Yet, as my sponsor has said....it is like being beamed down into a new life in which I decide exactly what I want.

Which gets me thinking.....who do I want to be?

I wonder why it is....

Things happen the way they do.......
Faith and spirituality and religion and philosophy and "just a way of life"....believing....without seeing....just knowing..."feeling it"
Life really amazes me and scares me and challenges me in ways that continue to blow my mind each and every day. One day at a time is not a cliche statement anymore.....for me it is my religion. When the pain consumes me and I can't imagine living my life this way I ask myself if I can do it for just today. And I know I can endure.....today. The possibility of living in pain until the day I die is not comforting....for anyone....but that is just it. We all will live this cyclical pattern of pain, love, stress, joy, bliss, fear, contentment....a life full of emotions that we don't always understand or cope well with or that we maybe don't even process until years after the event. We develop coping mechanisms...the healthy among us exercise and have wholesome and intimate relationships with friends and family. Then there are others of us who slip into destruction, abusing intoxicants, and engaging in wasteful ventures like life threatening relationships and situations. When we learn that we are OK and lovable and are even someone people like to have around, we come to treat ourselves with the delicacy owed to a fragile and innocent child. We can wrap our arms around ourselves and say, "Hey, I do love you....and I'm so sorry I have continued to ignore you." Feeding, grooming, and socializing like we ought to is no longer a chore but something we enjoy partaking in.....we can experience life like "normal" people. And the days that shine light on the pain again are days we embrace as growth..... We may sit amongst our peers and finally tear out the daggers we had left in for so long.... Then find that our courage to do so assists them in doing the same...
My life has not been ideal. As I embrace accepting this I mourn the life I had hoped for. A mother whose joy spread across her face as I brought home straight A's. A table in the kitchen, filled each night with those who created me and those who share my genes over food that is healthy and nourishing to our developing bodies. Because our parents care about the way our bodies will turn out. Parents that thought about every little detail of our future. Providers that had learned to love and protect themselves and were secure in knowing they could do the same for their offspring. A mother I can call today and cry and just say Mom, I love you so much...and it means the world to me to know that no matter what I do, you love me regardless. A Daddy that always has a sparkle in his eye for his baby girl.....even though she's grown and doesn't need him to fix everything anymore. And I cry my eyes out.....and I feel so very cheated....and I'm angry....so mad...so belligerent...that no one came through for me....that not a single soul....even as I cried out and mutilated my mind, body, and soul....and begged for attention...in the worst of places....not a single person saved me. Not one.
But......have I been saved.....? I'm here today. I survived. Pain pulses through me and I want it to end....I just can't imagine how deep the well goes... Yet each day I make it. Something , I don't know what, keeps me going! Of all the times I came so so so so very close to the end....and it didn't end. That is a miracle...... And I have begged and I have pleaded with God. Maybe, just maybe.... Because I am at the point where my fellowship with other people who have endured similar tragedy is all that gives me faith. And for some reason....as I seek truth and beauty and sharing with my fellows....my life seems to finally be falling into place. When I am down on my knees, in shame and guilt and giving up and saying "I'm done! I give up!" that is when I begin to see little miracles happening all around me. And it scares me more than anything because there is nothing that frightens me more than to think I'm OK. That I'm worthwhile.... That people love me. That people find me beautiful and amazing and they have great things to say about me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It breaks the pain up and it makes it more tolerable. And I'm starting to believe that if these people can accept me....then maybe I can!
This program of recovery I'm working is miraculous to me. My emotions are coming and although initially terrifying....I feel the courage to feel them fully and completely without drowning them out with addictive behaviors. I've never been more terrified while simultaneously having so much hope!
One day at a time.

Jump Back On!

Sometimes it takes talking to an old friend and seeing them being happy with a life you never thought they'd live to make you appreciate the one you didn't think you'd enjoy living.

An old middle school friend and I chatted on yahoo messenger today. We talk every few months on there and it's always fun to share pictures and stories. Strange to me that we are across the country living completely different lives but can still relate so nicely. She is living a life I would have never expected in a million years! And here I am living mine and feeling sorry for myself and being put off by all this work I need to do. Speaking to her helped me to realize that I ought to be grateful for what I have even if it's not what I expected or where I intended to be right now. Just because it wasn't in my ideal plan doesn't mean I can't make it ideal:)

So I look today to start fresh again and get back on the horse with my recovery. I have it within my power to battle this. To start anew and shape and mold the life I want to live.....and if it doesn't pan out the way I was hoping....I can learn to live with that and choose to make the best of it regardless!